With Chanukkah almost behind us and Christmas rapidly approaching, the time for being jolly is unfortunately also a peak time for parental conflict in divorcing and divorced families. What one would think (hope) would be a relatively simple discussion between adults in an effort to resolve such issues often turns into something far worse. Court applications often result where judges are called upon to make last minute decisions about where the children should be, who they should be with, and for what amount of time.
With that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind as a parent mired in such a conflict….
“It’s Christmas All Over Again” – Parents should do their best to resolve holiday conflicts amongst themselves, without involving the children. Unfortunately, all too often the kids are brought into the picture, with one parent telling them how the other parent is a bad person, is at fault for some reason regarding the holidays, and worse. Parents often believe it is necessary to justify/defend their actions to sway the kids to his or her side, but the impact on them is immeasurable. Over time, kids who simply want to enjoy what is one of the best times of the year end up dreading its arrival because they know that there will always be some argument between mommy and daddy to tarnish the occasion.
“Wonderful Christmastime” – One way to ensure a merry holiday season is to address parenting time issues well in advance of when the time arrives. This is not just limited to Chanukkah or Christmas parenting time, but all holiday parenting time. Oftentimes, these issues are addressed during a divorce matter in a piecemeal or triage fashion, for a variety of reasons that may or may not be within your control. The result is often less than ideal, and may become yet another dispute to address in the context of an ongoing matter. Try to reach a resolution in advance, if possible, for the best interests of the kids and, quite frankly, everyone else involved.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” – If you are considering bringing a significant other to the holiday dinner, it goes without saying that it should not be done in a manner that negatively impacts upon the kids. More importantly (and obviously), do not do so in violation of a court order that imposes restrictions on your ability to introduce or involve a significant other in the kids’ lives. Such an order oftentimes issues in the midst of a divorce matter. The situation can often be very delicate, and should be approached with care. If a child is in therapy, consider whether to discuss with the therapist how to best bring/introduce a new person to such an occasion.
“Happy Xmas (War is Over)” – While John Lennon’s famous holiday song carried heavier political overtones, there is always a way to apply it to a family law blog post. If you are going to file an application with the court to address holiday parenting time issues, please do not wait until the last minute to do so. Seeking relief for these issues should not be an ambush. It should not leave in flux for the kids what is going to happen. It should be done with notice to the other party so that he or she can properly respond. Judges have more than enough going on and if he or she sees that you could have brought the application several days, if not weeks prior, oftentimes they will be less than pleased with having to address the situation under such circumstances.
With these tips in mind, hopefully you are able to not only avoid or properly address the sort of holiday parenting time conflict that comes our way year in and year out, but also that your kids will be able to enjoy the season with a sense of calm and peace of mind.
Robert Epstein is a partner in Fox Rothschild LLP’s Family Law Practice Group and practices throughout New Jersey. He can be reached at (973) 994-7526, or firstname.lastname@example.org.