“Physical violence can be testified to by outside evidence: eyewitnesses, police and medical reports.  With emotional abuse, there is no proof.  It’s clean violence.  Nobody sees anything.”

–Marie-France Hirigoyen, Stalking the Soul; Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity.

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Several months ago, after I published Seven Deadly Sins Of Divorce: Pride; The Narcissistic Divorce, I received a telephone call from my dear friend and client.  She was relieved.  She said that she had read my article, and it described her very experience; it was the reason she was on edge all the time, not knowing how, when and why her spouse would strike next.  It was the reason she lay awake at night worrying what will become of her children – will they be harmed emotionally?  How could she protect them from the wolf in sheep’s clothing that was her husband?

In the weeks and months that followed, the calls, emails and comments poured in.  There were so many similar stories of abuse at the hand of a narcissist.  Over and over, I heard the same fact pattern of abuse and control.  In light of the overwhelming prevalence of the issue, over the coming weeks, I intend to develop concerns and solutions in dealing with the abusive narcissist

Today, I will explore how the narcissist communicates, as described by Hirigoyen in her narrative, and the potential problems that may arise in co-parenting as a result:

  • Refusal of Direct CommunicationThe abusive narcissist refuses to have direct communication about the child – there is never direct communication because he/she just simply doesn’t discuss things.  Abusive individuals evade direct questions when asked.

 

  • Distortion of Language. The abusive narcissist uses innuendo, unexpressed reproach or veiled threats to communicate.  The tone is oftentimes flat and cold.  Child victims can often describe the change in tone before the aggression strikes, describing it as “white.”

 

  • Lies. Hirigoyen states that “[r]ather than using a direct lie, the abuser initially employs a mix of innuendo and unspoken hints to create a misunderstanding, which he will subsequently exploit to his advantage.” Lying is pervasive among abusive narcissists.

 

  • Use of Sarcasm, Ridicule, Contempt.  The abusive narcissist uses ridicule to create a position of knowing.  Embarrassing his or her spouse can become the sole goal and objective.

 

  • Use of Paradox. Often, an abusive narcissist will say something verbally and express the opposite non-verbally.  One way to do that is to cast doubt into innocuous elements of daily life.  For example: “I am so concerned about our child having the flu.  I wish you would dress him for the weather and feed him healthy foods.  Maybe then he wouldn’t be so sick all the time.” These feigned expressions of concern, without escalating tone of voice, can lead to doubt among even the most secure.

 

  • Divide and Conquer.  The abusive narcissist is adept at pitting people against each other by either insinuating doubt, revealing what one person said about the other, or by lying to incite people to become adversarial.  This can result in parental alienation (a subject of a future blog) between parent and child or conflict between the children themselves.

 

  • The Imposition of Power.  The goal of the abusive narcissist is to dominate.  The domination is typically underhanded and denied, often masked behind gentleness and benevolence.

The abusive narcissist’s behavior wreaks havoc on the co-parenting and parent-child relationship.  This may pose significant issues in Court or otherwise:

  • When a parent sharing decision making power fails to receive a direct response from the abusive narcissist, he or she may take actions that he/she believes are in the best interests of the child.  This leaves them vulnerable in Court as he or she can be exposed to criticism by the judge for alleged unilateral actions.  It certainly leaves the non-abusive co-parent open to a barrage of criticism from the narcissist.

 

  • Often, the abusive narcissist will turn the situation around on the victim, labeling the victim the aggressor.  I have seen this in my practice.  Based on my conversations with forensic psychologist, this practice is known as mirroring, and is meant to deflect attention. Whether or not the mirroring can be identified will depend upon the severity of the mental illness.

 

  • I have often heard victims describe parenting with a narcissistic abuser to be “chaotic.”  The abusive narcissist refuses to commit to parenting time, or will do so at the last minute; all in a cat and mouse game of power and control.

 

  • When the victim ultimately lashes out at the narcissistic abuser, they will essentially throw up their hands in a “Who? Me?” moment.

 

  • Many emails will be paradoxical; nice in tone, but in practice, create conflict and strife. Sentences like “I am only trying to do what is best for the children”; or, “I don’t understand why you won’t speak to me respectfully” may pervade the exchanges.

 

  • Many times, a narcissistic abuser will speak poorly of his/her former spouse in public regarding their actions as to the children, or making unkind allusions with no explanation to cast doubt upon them.

 

  • Because the abusive narcissist speaks in innuendo, it leads to a lack of tangible evidence to present to the Court. One client told me in tears, worried that the judge would restore parenting time to her husband: “Physical abuse is easy to identify.  But who will believe me when I tell them the pattern of emotional abuse I have been experiencing all these years?”

 

  • The abusive narcissist loves conflict.  Many times, he or she will just fight for the sake of fighting.  Dominance, rather than a reasonable co-parenting solution, is always the goal.

Of course, the above is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what victims of an abusive narcissist experience each and every day.  In my next blog on this issue, I will address how co-parents and judges can manage the burden that abusive narcissists.

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Baer, Eliana T.Eliana T. Baer is a frequent contributor to the New Jersey Family Legal Blog and a member of the Family Law Practice Group of Fox Rothschild LLP. Eliana practices in Fox Rothschild’s Princeton, New Jersey office and focuses her state-wide practice on representing clients on issues relating to divorce, equitable distribution, support, custody, adoption, domestic violence, premarital agreements and Appellate Practice. You can reach Eliana at (609) 895-3344, or etbaer@foxrothschild.com.

5 Responses to STALKING THE SOUL: CO-PARENTING WITH AN ABUSIVE NARCISSIST (PART I)

Great article. This caught my eye as I did two episodes on my show about “emotional vampires” and had massive amounts of listeners. Keep writing about this. The more information people have to empower themselves in the midst of these life suckers the better! Great work!

Here’s the link in case you are curious:

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/77442/empowering-yourself-in-the-face-of-the-narcissist-aka-emotional-vampire

and: http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/77574/vampires-suck-practical-tips-and-strategies-for-dealing-with-emotional-vampiresnarcissists

This is my ex to a T! I have been battling this for 13 1/2 years post divorce, even living 50 miles apart. I am now battling a guardianship of my 19 year old disabled son. Here are some things I learned in domestic violence counseling years ago and have learned through the years. It’s easy and natural to want to defend your honor when the abuser is trying to engage you in conflict. Don’t respond at all, if possible and if a response is required keep it very short, business like and to the point. Document, document, document even if it seems insignificant. Date it. Store it. Let a trusted unbiased person know what is going on. Better to have something to refer back to than nothing at all if you need it in court. Never let them play on your sympathy. That’s a tough one sometimes but here is the reality. If they feel unjustifiably victimized it’s because of the choices they made, not anything you did or didn’t do. They made the bed and they have to sleep in it. I have personally found that when I don’t respond at all, literally, he just opens his mouth and I document. If it comes to a court situation, it doesn’t become a he said she said to be drawn out. It becomes a he said and she didn’t lash back over and over until it shows a consistent pattern of one sided verbal abuse. The only response from our side should again be kept professional to show we are not retaliating but working to show stability and peace for our kids. Here is the thing about narcissist abusers. They don’t know when to shut up. Let them talk long enough without responding and they eventually will say enough to prove their true colors to a good judge who can see right through their facade and you never had to compromise being the one person who can really care for and make a stable home for the kids. It doesn’t happen overnight but don’t stop doing what is right for your kids because that’s what is really about. NEVER bad talk about your ex to or in front of your kids…. ever! No matter how much your ex does it, no matter how bad things get, don’t stoop to that yourself! Your kids deserve better than that from you! Eventually, children see what is really going on and you never had to bad mouth the other parent. Be there to listen and find them help to express their emotions. Do protect your kids if they are truly in danger but do it legally please! You have to be there so don’t do something that takes you from them and creates more emotional hardship for them. Do get counseling with your local domestic violence group and stay with it however long it takes to get you in an emotionally healthy place. Again, you are doing this for your kids as well. When you are emotionally healthy and stable then you help them get their quicker. Your family and close friends may not understand or support you. That’s ok. Set boundaries and find people who will be a good support system. It may start in your domestic violence counsel group and grow from there. You do not ever have to justify your decision to leave a bad relationship to anyone who does not understand so don’t even try to. Agree to disagree and move on.

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